December 11 2018

       Today is my first day of taking an antidepressant and I am struggling. Depression and Anxiety are nothing new to me. I have struggled here and there probably since I hit puberty but always before I have been able to pull myself out either through friends or family or even church I always pull through. I am a perpetual Pollyanna! Seriously I have probably made some of you gag over the years with my silver lining.  But this time I just couldn't do it!
       This last year has been had. I have struggled with knowing what to do with my baby. He is a good baby but at the same time, he is a hooligan! I love him dearly he is so cute and his giggles are amazing but he is also a baby so he is super winy and into everything. He loves his Grandma Candice best and then his dad. Lots of time he doesn't want me. Which is fine cause the pressure of being number one is hard and I don't want it but I would like to be liked instead of number 5 on the list. I don't find myself comparing my actions to other moms but I know that I am bearly hanging on and it is hard to beat myself up for not enjoying it more or doing more or even remembering to feed the baby more. I swear McCovey's first sentence will be Mom I am hungry!
      I probably should have been on medicine long before this but I just graduated with my master's degree in August and I didn't have time to go to the doctor. I seriously only made it through angles that Heavenly Father put into my path to help me. People that watched my baby and people that kept me sane when all I wanted to do was give up and people who read my papers! I have seriously been blessed. But I have still struggled, the stress and anxiety almost killed me. It stayed probably till on my transcript it said I was graduated! I kept expecting my advisor to come back and say just joking you still have to do this or fix that.  (The funny part is that I could be stress-free a month earlier but I was looking at the wrong part of my transcript.)
      Staying at home with McCovey was so hard. I don't know if it was the stress or the loneliness or what but it was just hard.  I don't know how stay at mom's do it! Way to go ladies!
       I also had a hard time finding me since I have been a mom. I don't know who I am anymore. I mean I know I still love Disney and books but I didn't know how to act like me anymore. Also, I feel like some of the places I looked for support were there and that changed me too.
      Although things got better as I went back to work and Disney World but this last month I have just not been able to pull it together! I just felt like I couldn't make anything go right with being a mom and a wife. At work, I was most definitely at work morning the lost of Elaine, and the fact that I sucked so I hid in my office and read.
     Sometimes I also feel bad because my life is really good and I look at myself and think seriously your life is great. You bearly have any noticeable trails. Then I think that is because all of my trails are going on in my head.
     So here I sit in December starting on medication. I am trying to talk to myself like I would if I was talking to a friend. Because I most definitely feel like I have failed because I couldn't do it by myself. But if I was talking to my friend I would say No way look at how brave you are for recognizing that you needed help and couldn't do it on your own. It is not a weak move and it is amazing. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain and you are willing to take care of it you should be proud of it.
    I don't believe it no matter how much I have said it to myself since the doctor prescribed it yesterday! But I am going to keep repeating it cause maybe one time I will believe it. One time I will look back and congratulate myself and getting help and being brave. Maybe one day I can tell people I am on medicine without crying! But I will say it like heck yes! I did it, my husband and my baby! But most of all I did it for me! Because I deserve to me happy!